“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Heb.11:1).

I’ve been thinking a lot about faith today. Actually I think a lot about faith most days. I became a Christian when I was in high school, but it’s not something I talk about a whole lot. To me, faith is a very private thing…or at least it has been. I don’t know why exactly I feel that way. Maybe it was the general sense of confusion and depression that swept through my life right around the same time I found God for the first time. Maybe it’s because my gift for gab, my clever turn of phrases and my biting wit, do not easily translate into being articulate about the nature of my relationship with Jesus Christ. But it goes deeper than that.

I live a life of countless contradictions and endless hypocrisy. I’ve done things in my past I’m not proud of. Actually, I do things in my present that I’m not proud of. It’s only recently, when I’ve reached a certain sense of clarity about my life with bipolar disorder, that I’ve gotten to a place where I can forgive myself for some of my manic behavior. There are some things I’ve done in a manic mindset that I would never do when healthy. I spent years trying to avoid any sense of blaming my disorder for anything. It’s only been in the past few months when I got to a place where I can say: “No, okay, that wasn’t really me.” And this isn’t me trying to avoid accountability. I know that I still have to deal with the consequences. I have to deal with the failed relationships, be they with friends, girlfriends or in this case, God. This one though, is one I’m working on repairing. I can’t tell you how reassuring it is to know that God loves me through all my faults.

Let me stop here for now and end with a disclosure: I’m not saying that you have to believe what I believe. A lot of my family is Jewish and so are many of my friends. Some of my friends are Muslim. I respect all faiths. I’m just saying that it helps me to believe in a loving God who forgives me of my trespassings and to know that there is something out there greater than myself.

When I started doing this blog it was an outlet for memoir-style work I was doing about my psychotic break and subsequent recovery. I’ve come to learn that there is no start and there is no end to this madness. It’s next to impossible for me to put into words the ups and downs of living with bipolar disorder. How do you translate raw emotion in a way that other people can interpret and relate to? I don’t know. It’s difficult to trudge up memories that are better left buried. It’s hard to play back all my failures and misgivings on a movie screen in my mind, in order to convey to you what it is like to be me.

Right now, as I procrastinate writing, I sit here and reflect on how every relationship I’ve ever had has gone to hell and then I’m forced to examine was it me or was it some manic flare-up or depressive wipeout that brought about the end. Or it could just be me. I hate that to be truly self-aware, I have to pinpoint where my emotions are coming from. When I like someone, I literally have to ask myself, “Okay, well, do I actually like this person or is this some sort of manic sexual desire?” You know what’s not fun at all? Asking yourself that question. For once, I’d like to just be able to trust my emotions and trust my mind and just TRUST damnit.

Anyway that’s it for now, just some thoughts.

Check out my entry in the Ashoka Changemakers Rethinking Mental Health Competition (http://www.changemakers.com/en-us/node/57384). Preview below:

by Marc Peters | Oct 12, 2009
126 Reads | 2 Comments

We will empower students to own their grief and take steps to help others. Active Minds, Inc. will send a national office staff member to help students organize in response to a tragic event and deliver the resources needed to sustain a chapter of Active Minds.

What makes your idea unique?

Alison Malmon founded Active Minds, Inc. in response to having lost her brother to suicide and with the desire to prevent any other students from suffering in silence the way that he did. We are the leading student voice in mental health awareness, empowering college and university students to engage in peer education and partner with clinical services to combat the unnecessary stigma that surrounds mental health. By engaging in peer-to-peer based awareness, we are building the next generation of mental health advocates. We are the only national mental health organization working directly with students as opposed to educating staff and faculty about issues that students may be facing. We believe that by fostering change on campuses around the country, we can and do build more supportive and understanding environments for students to seek help when it is needed. If students lose a classmate to suicide or if a gunman terrorizes a campus, Active Minds wants to be in the position to help students channel their grief and energy into something positive. Active Minds Responds would provide a productive place for individuals touched by tragic events and trauma to address the mental health issues that could arise in the future as individuals begin to cope. After a tragedy on campus or in a community, students must take part in the healing process in order for the community to truly heal. A better understanding of mental health can strengthen campus and community ties and connect students with necessary resources. We believe that once successful in a pilot capacity, Active Minds Responds could be replicated in a variety of settings when a tragedy occurs, be it a hurricane in New Orleans, 9/11 in NYC or a shooting at Virginia Tech.

For my whole entry visit: http://www.changemakers.com/en-us/node/57384

By MARTHA IRVINE (AP)

CHICAGO — The topic of suicide makes many people squirm. It’s something we’ve been told we’re not supposed to talk about. If you speak it, someone might do it.

But there’s a growing conversation about suicide that’s happening on college campuses, in high school auditoriums and online — even among youth some might think are too young to consider suicide. The hope is that a public discussion between young people and the teachers and counselors who work with them could inspire peers in distress to get help.

“It’s kind of like the sex talk with your children. I think that we should have that talk,” says Brittany Langstaff, a 14-year-old ninth-grader in Georgetown, Ontario. She’s on the girls editorial board of New Moon Girl Media, a magazine with an online site aimed at teen and “tween” girls that recently took on the topic of suicide. Features on the site include advice from experts about how to deal with suicidal thoughts and a chance for young readers to discuss the topic online in a moderated space.

Nancy Gruver, New Moon’s Minnesota-based founder and CEO, knew that addressing suicide with this age group might raise a few eyebrows. But she often sees the topic come up in the site’s online chat and in letters, poetry and artwork submitted by its young members, prompting a policy that requires staff to contact a parent when that happens.

“This should not be taboo. It should be talked about because it is something that affects kids in this age range,” Gruver says.

It wasn’t always that way. Sixty years ago, World Health Organization statistics show that suicide was much more common among the elderly. Since then, it has shifted to become a much more common cause of death among younger populations — and the third leading cause of death among 10- to 14-year-olds in this country by 1997, according to one report in the medical journal Pediatrics.

In a Centers for Disease Control survey of high school students from 2007, the most recent federal data of its kind, researchers found that 16 percent had seriously considered suicide in the months preceding the survey. Similarly, a University of Minnesota study released this year found that nearly 15 percent of teens think they’re going to die young, leading many to attempt suicide, use drugs and engage in other unsafe behaviors.

Bryce Mackie, a 21-year-old student at Columbia College in Chicago, knows all about that. In high school, he made a film about his own experience with bipolar disorder and suicidal thoughts. He first showed the film to his parents and teachers and ended up getting help, and now speaks to other young people across the country about his experience.

“I’ll have seven or eight kids after a speech come up to me and, for most of them, this is the first time they’ve talked about it,” says Mackie, whose film “Eternal High” has won awards for helping destigmatize mental illness.

“They had no clue that anyone else felt that way,” he adds. “And even if they did, their teachers weren’t talking about it. Their friends weren’t talking about it.”

That’s no longer the case at every school. Some in the mental health field credit Dr. David Satcher, a former U.S. surgeon general, for setting the stage for more openness in his 2001 National Strategy for Suicide Prevention.

Now some states, among them California, New Jersey and Tennessee, require a strategy for suicide prevention in schools. A few suicide prevention organizations, including SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education), also have developed curriculum to aid those educators. It’s a good start, says Dan Reidenberg, SAVE’s executive director.

“And yet we still have schools every single day where there’s a suicide and they won’t respond at all,” he says. “And that’s a really big problem.”

Often, it’s more common for the conversation to happen on college campuses.

Last month at the University of Connecticut, students and faculty wore suicide prevention T-shirts, invited speakers to campus and planted hundreds of flags to represent the nearly 1,200 college student suicides that happen each year.

Other young people have made their efforts a year-round endeavor.

Last year, students at Baylor University started the Alive Campaign with a bike ride from Texas to Alaska with a friend who had attempted suicide. They made stops along the way at colleges, churches and community gatherings to host talks about suicide and continue those efforts today.

Jamie Tworkowski, 29, was inspired to action by a suicidal friend who told him she was cutting herself and using drugs. A story he wrote about her ultimately helped save her life and resulted in a Florida-based nonprofit called To Write Love On Her Arms.

Tworkowski posted the story about his friend on the MySpace social networking site in 2006 and sold T-shirts to raise money for her treatment. After another friend who played in a band wore one of the shirts during a performance, he says he received more than 100 online messages, many from young people who said they were depressed or suicidal. Now his organization, which has eight full-time staffers and five volunteer interns, uses social networking to put people suffering from depression in contact with professionals.

“It made me realize, OK if a hundred people respond this way, why wouldn’t 100,000 or even a million respond this way?” Tworkowski says. “There was this need to talk about it.”

Talking openly about suicide can still be tricky, especially in the media.

Joseph Bustos, a reporter in Sterling, Ill., discovered that when his editor asked him to check into a local teen’s recent suicide. There was a time when newspapers didn’t run stories on suicide, or even mention it as a cause of death in obituaries. But the teen’s family agreed to talk — and the story about her, and her family’s grief, ran on the front page.

“As a paper, we wanted to reflect what everyone was talking about,” says Bustos, who works for Sauk Valley Newspapers. He says he also wanted to see if “anything positive could come of it,” and included a list of suicide resources.

Bustos said the comments he got from readers were positive, though the schools superintendent dropped off a copy of nationally recognized media guidelines for covering suicide. Among them was a suggestion to avoid putting stories about a particular suicide on the front page.

Mental health experts worry about coverage that pays homage to a person who takes his or her own life, because research has shown that it can encourage others, especially teens, to do the same. But there is middle ground.

“We have to be careful about doing things that inadvertently glorify suicide,” says Alec Miller, chief of the child and adolescent psychology department at Montefiore Medical Center in New York. “But at the same time, we don’t want to conceal it and pretend like it didn’t happen.”

• CDC youth suicide page: http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/Suicide/youthsuicide.htm
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Copyright © 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

Learn more about Active Minds at www.activeminds.org or www.facebook.com/activemindsinc:

October 6th, 2009- In an effort to foster a broader dialogue on mental health issues, campus affiliates spanning 23 states participated in Active Minds Inc.’s 3rd Annual National Day Without Stigma on October 5th.

“We are so proud that more than 60 of our chapters that participated in National Day Without Stigma this year,” said Alison Malmon, Executive Director of Active Minds, Inc. “The event epitomizes our on-going efforts to reduce the stigma society attaches to mental health and mental illness. To have such widespread campus and regional interest is humbling and inspiring. I can’t wait to see how we move forward from here.”

All across North America, Active Minds chapter members asked their classmates: ‘What will you do to fight the stigma?’ Everyone is affected by this issue in some way, shape or form. Yet stigma and inaccurate information often keep people from seeking the help that they need.

Active Minds provides information about available resources on-campus, online, and in the community, educates students about mental health and mental illnesses, hosts events to raise awareness, and encourages students to seek help as soon as it is needed. With a presence on 213 campuses, the organization continues to work to shine a positive light on mental wellness and to create an accepting environment where each student has the resources and support needed to thrive.

All across the country, students sported “1 in 4″ buttons to highlight the one in four people in the United States who have a diagnosable mental health disorder in a given year, donated their Facebook statuses to raise awareness and flooded their friends with “Get Help for Mental Health” materials.

Chapters distributed educational resources, materials and giveaways to their campus communities. Some held Counselors Out of the Center events, introducing students to school counselors in a fun and friendly setting. Other chapters offered a variety of programming including Stomp Out Stigma step shows, walks and runs and panel discussions.

“We want all students to feel empowered to seek help without fear of judgment.” said Sara Abelson, Active Minds, Inc’s Program Director. “We look forward to the day that all college students will be able to discuss mental health issues openly. The way to get there is by starting a frank and meaningful dialogue about mental health and mental illness. That’s what we are doing here at Active Minds.”

About Active Minds, Inc.

Active Minds is the leading voice in college student mental health. On over 200 campuses, with thousands of student leaders and advocates working diligently to raise awareness and promote mental health, Active Minds is reaching students through the implementation of programming that decreases stigma, brings about awareness, and ultimately creates a positive and accepting environment for the discussion of mental health issues.

For more information about National Day Without Stigma visit: www.ActiveMinds.org/StopStigma

National Day Without Stigma is a program of Active Minds, Inc. that kicks off Mental Health Awareness Week, October 5-9:

1 in 4 people have a diagnosable mental health disorder in a given year. ALL are affected. Stigma and inaccurate information keep people from seeking the help that they need. What will you do to help??

Today, students on campuses across the country will be working to spread awareness of mental health and reduce stigma surrounding mental health disorders. These efforts are vital: former President Bill Clinton said “mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of but stigma and bias shame us all”.

Active Minds chapters will be hosting a variety of programming including Counselors Out of the Center, Stomp Out Stigma step shows, walks and runs and panel discussions as well as distributing educational resources, materials and giveaways! To learn more, visit: www.activeminds.org/stopstigma

To find out if there is a chapter of Active Minds at your school, visit: www.activeminds.org/findchapter

National Day Without Stigma is part of Active Minds’ ongoing effort to open a dialogue about mental health on campuses. We look forward to the day when all college students are comfortable talking about these issues.

Social media never ceases to amaze me. I’ve just had my third medication adjustment in three months as my doctor and I wean me off one of my drugs and I was feeling kind of down. I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but that didn’t make it any easier. It hit me all of a sudden after the work day was done and I was settled in at home by myself. I didn’t really feel like picking up the phone. I didn’t feel up to blogging about it. I just tweeted this:

Feeling a little depressed, hopefully just a momentary thing.9:49 PM Sep 29th from web

Starting less than a minute later, I got these back:

1. wallaceaz @quitemanic: Hang in there, you’re not alone in this crazy world.10:08 PM Sep 29th from TweetDeck
2. arthurjack @quitemanic You too. Hang in there! I of all people know… we all hit our depressed moments. One step in front of the other.9:59 PM Sep 29th from web in reply to quitemanic
3. Simply_Positive @quitemanic Everyone has those moments every so often! Put some fun music on and force a change the thoughts!Tom is another day!Cheer up! 9:53 PM Sep 29th from web in reply to quitemanic
4. MarcyRubin RT @quitemanic: Feeling a little depressed, hopefully just a momentary thing.<– we’re all here if you need us, we ‘get it”9:51 PM Sep 29th from Seesmic
5. thehappy365 @quitemanic – Don’t be sad. The happy monster loves you 9:50 PM Sep 29th from API

And that was just on Twitter…my tweets feed into my Facebook status so not only did I hear from strangers, but I got some love from my friends too:

Marc Peters: Feeling a little depressed, hopefully just a momentary thing.

Tue at 10:49pm via Twitter · Comment · Like / Unlike · View Feedback (6)Hide Feedback (6)

Jordan Mac

the feeling will pass. i promise ♥

Tue at 10:52pm · Delete

Zach Pajak

Hang in there! : )

Tue at 10:52pm · Delete

Cynthia Nickel

only a few more weeks till FUN TIME!

Tue at 11:02pm · Delete

Erin Noel

i hope u get better marc!! i miss u!

I guess for updates sake, I’m doing much, much better now. I think the kind words from folks really helped. As much as we talk about technology isolating us from other people, it can also be a source of connection and of hope. Welcome to the future

Hope this guy is taking care of himself. I remembered hearing about his troubles last year and really feeling for him. It can’t be easy to cope with mental health issues under the national spotlight. – Marc

LeBron: West welcome when he returns

//

Associated Press

INDEPENDENCE, Ohio — LeBron James says the Cleveland Cavaliers will welcome back Delonte West, whenever he comes back.

West was absent from training camp for the second straight day Wednesday morning while he deals with personal issues. Cavaliers general manager Danny Ferry has spoken at length to West, coach Mike Brown said, adding that the absence is unexcused and that West will be fined.

West

Ferry declined to meet with reporters Wednesday.

“We’ve been around this block before with Delonte, so we know how to handle it,” James said. “I’m sure he’ll be OK. Basketball has nothing to do with what’s going on. He needs to take as much time as he needs, and when he comes back, we’ll welcome him as we’ve always done.”

James said he called West but didn’t get an answer.

West, who has battled depression and mood disorders for years, also could face suspension by the league after he was recently arrested for gun possession in Maryland. Police pulled over his three-wheel motorcycle for a traffic violation and found he was carrying three loaded weapons — two handguns and a shotgun in a guitar case he had on his back.

He also missed 10 days last year during training camp to seek help for his mental illness.

“We’re all concerned about Delonte’s well-being. We love him and we’re all in the same family,” Brown said. “But in the same breath, we’re all paid to do a job and that’s what we’re doing. I’ve got 18 guys here I have to coach every day and that’s what I’m doing.”

West attended the team’s media day on Monday and was in good spirits. He said he had resumed taking his medications and was excited about the upcoming season. West downplayed the concealed weapons arrest, saying once the details were known “you’ll see that it’s not as big as some are making it.”

He has missed three team practices, with a fourth scheduled for Wednesday night. No one seemed hopeful of seeing him there.

“I’d be worried about someone who doesn’t have a supporting cast around him and not trying to help him. I’m really not concerned about him,” said guard Mo Williams.

“If he comes to practice tonight, it’ll be like he never left.”

Strange how things work. I saw this blog linked on Twitter today and I was honestly thinking about one of my worst fears on my commute this morning…how my future family will deal with me and my disorder. I wrote about it in my notebook today and planned on blogging about it and still will, but first here is something from a daughter’s perspective.

From Everyday Citizen’s Eden Fuson:

He awakes every day, knowing that it will be a struggle. He takes 10 pills a day to manage his disorders. He struggles with suicide almost daily. Some days are tougher than others. There are times he hears voices, that tell him to kill himself, other times he hears voices that tell him someone is in danger. He never feels “normal,” as hasn’t for as long as he can recall.

As difficult as it is for him, it’s not a problem that he deals with by himself. Like so many with mental illness, his family is affected by his disease.

It started when he was a child. He grew up in an abusive household. He was only 19, when he saw his mother murder his father. He held his dying dad in his arms, as the police took his mother away. For many years, he self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. He never found one that would take his pain away.
He had two children, yet that couldn’t fill the hole in his heart.

At age 30, he met a new woman, a nurse, who thought she could help him. They had two more children. He was doing well for some time, taking his medicines and avoiding drugs. That only lasted a short time. He spent months in and out of treatment facilities, both for his mental illness and addiction. He was diagnosed with Manic Depression, now known as Bipolar Disorder. There were good days, but the bad days far out-numbered them. He had a family, a wife who did everything possible to get him help, yet he made his own decisions that left his family last on his list of priorities. He was then diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

That meant more medication, which he often refused to take. Medication was one of the few things in his life he could control. He made the decision when to take it or not. Everything else was out of his control. He tried to be a father to his children, but often left them emotionally scarred by actions and words. All four of his children, as they grew, removed them self from his life, for their own sake. With that, he got worse. He turned to prescription medication. He spent time in jail. He missed his children graduate from High School. His only child to graduate from college didn’t invite him to her big day. He didn’t walk his daughters down the aisle at their weddings.

It’s difficult enough for an outsider to understand mental illness, let alone the family. They see someone who they know is capable of giving love, though it comes and goes. They see someone who has had a traumatic life, yet they know they are experiencing their own trauma.

There is a stigma placed upon those with mental illness. It seems so easy to tell someone to take their medication, seek therapy and all will be well. But it isn’t. Often, health insurance companies shy away from insuring those with mental illness, as it is costly. But, he did not chose to have the illnesses he has, he didn’t chose to have the childhood he had. He did make more than his share of poor decisions, which haunt him everyday. He knows he doesn’t have long to live, due to liver failure from using IV drugs and contracting Hepatitis C.

He know has contact with all of his children, though the relationship is strained. It’s hard to forget the past, yet when you don’t know how long the future is, you must forgive and move on. He sees his grandchildren, which has a special meaning for him, since his children were unable to meet their grandfather.

As difficult as his life as been, it has been just as hard on me. I am his daughter. This isn’t an easy thing for me to admit. There is some shame in me telling you who my father is, what he has endured and brought upon us all. Yet, so many are afflicted with mental illness, and one thing I know for sure is that it is not their choice. It was my choice to come back into his life, which was and still is something I struggle with. There are days I feel as if he doesn’t deserve to have such a caring daughter, when he was never there for me.

Yet, I know I am doing what is right.

He wakes up everyday knowing life is a struggle, and he is my father. And I am always here to try to make his life less of a battle.

“When you come to the end of the light you know and you are about to set foot into darkness, two things will happen, you will step and set your feet on solid ground and God will send you people in your life who will teach you how to fly.” Mayor Cory Booker from the documentary “Brick City”

Sorry that I haven’t been writing too often, but got the GRE out of the way this morning so I’ll be back at it as soon as I catch up on sleep. Take care!