About the Blog
When I had a psychotic episode freshman year of college, I thought I had hit rock bottom. I thought that losing my mind on a Habitat for Humanity spring break trip was rock bottom. I thought spending a month locked in a “mental healthcare treatment facility” was rock bottom. I was wrong.
The rapid, tumbling fall from rational thought into the depths of insanity was nothing compared to the excruciatingly slow and frustrating climb back. I’m forever thankful for the competent medical care I was afforded during recovery, but it strikes me now as a series of stopgap measures designed to triage. Mental hospitals were not designed to teach the mentally ill to live with the interior wounds, the hidden scars of the experience. No for that the mentally ill are largely left to our own devices.
When I was considering my options for returning to school from medical leave, my doctors took a lot into account. They considered the average recovery time. They considered the traditional steadying influence of friends and family. They did not anticipate my level of perseverance nor did they consider how my family is far from a calming agent in my life.
In my medicated sate, with only doctors to listen to and only well-intentioned, but tragically flawed family members to advocate for me, I yearned for a peer. I wanted to talk to someone who had walked my walk, making the journey from the halls of college to the padded walls of an asylum and back again. Traditional support group members were easily 20 years my senior and all the first-person accounts that were so hyped and praised in the community seemed like immediate, sensational accounts of the mind of a psychotic.
There is nothing on the after. Nothing written about what happens next, the joyful and tragic highs and lows of recovery. I just wanted to have a conversation with someone who had been there, someone who could provide hope mixed with realism. So that is why I’m writing my story, a story that doesn’t dwell in psychotic behavior (though it deals with its implications). It is meant to be a glimpse inside the mind of the patient, an effort to provide some context to my peers and their loved ones. And lastly a good faith effort to give people a different picture of the mentally ill than that of serial killers, characters in movies, or a US Weekly cover featuring Britney Spears.
I love your part about serial killers. Here in Washington State, there was a lot of negative publicity last week when Eastern State Mental Hospital (housing criminally insane on the east side of the mountains) patients were brought on a field trip to a fair and one violent offender escaped. He had been on trial for the horrible murder of an old woman (I can’t remember the details or how long ago the trial was) and had been declared innocent due to insanity. He broke away from his group and went on the run, finally being picked up about 200 miles from the fairgrounds. Because of his escape, they’re talking about changing that defense to “guilty by reason of insanity” and instead of lodging the killer in a mental hospital putting him in the regular prison system. Anyway, I like your last sentence.
Crazy Mermaid
September 25, 2009
Bravo for your courageous effort! People like you who reach out to others and try to explain what you’re going through help the rest understand and/or accept the difficulties of mental illness.
I have a family member who has struggled with bipolar disorder for over 20 years. Usually that person is very reluctant to talk about past experiences or share perspective. That leaves the rest of us at a loss for words or deeds in our attempts to help.
More people need to be aware that mental illness is just another illness. There shouldn’t be stigma associated with needing medication to help regulate brain chemistry. We don’t hesitate to medicate people for other imbalances in their blood, hormones, organ function, etc.
Any chronic medical condition poses challenges for daily living. We shouldn’t add to the burden by attaching a stigma or negative response to mental illness compared to diabetes, arthritis, or even asthma.
Hang in there! I applaud your bravery and hope that your words bring inspiration to others. A sincere desire to help others is one of the best way to stay connected and maintain balance.
Thank you for sharing.
Sister to a Bipolar
October 5, 2009