Sorry for it all…

So I’ve taken some time away from writing and it’s really been needed. I got all wrapped up in this dream of telling my story as a way to help others like me and it wasn’t the most healthy thing in the world. I needed to process what had happened to me when I had my psychotic break and I’m thankful that I did, but when your whole world revolves around your illness it’s not a fun place to be. I’ve spent the past few months in my head, wrapped up in my own world, reliving experiences that are better left buried.

I’m going to forgo the writing dream for the time being because it just isn’t in my best interest as the people closest to me will attest. I’ve decided to return to an earlier dream of politics. Bipolar disorder is a major part of my life, but it cannot be my whole life. The best I can do is make the most out of myself that I can and be completely open about my struggles. To that end I’m planning to still blog if anyone is still interested.

Now to the title of the blog…the apology. I was workshopping a draft in my writing seminar and a couple of my classmates remarked that I hadn’t developed any other characters in my memoir beyond the protagonist and I gave them a pretty straight forward explanation. Bipolar disorder is selfish as hell. When I’m manic I’m moving to fast to notice other people or care about how my actions effect them or what consequences for my behavior may be, when I’m depressed I don’t care about myself or others and during the in-between times I’m still too selfish to look far enough outside myself. I forget my disorder isn’t hardest on me. It’s hardest on my family. It’s hardest on my sister who has had to deal with all our parents’ attention focused on me and my needs. She’s had to deal with the aftermath of my disasters and for that I am sorry. She deserves better than that. It’s hard on her, though she’s too strong to really admit that. It’s hard on my friends who don’t know if I’m going to flake out because I’m not feeling up to people. It’s hard on my friends who’ve seen me manic and seen me depressed and seen me normal and never know which me they are dealing with. And for all of it I’m sorry.

Till next time.