Random Thoughts from My Notebook

Let me start off by saying that I apologize for the lack of new material lately. The last time I hit a lull was because I was depressed. This time around it’s because I’m actually writing a lot and then don’t have energy to blog. So I guess the only hope is that I’ll stave off depression and get writer’s block and the blog can return to its former glory. Anyway I’ve taken to carrying around a pocket notebook and writing on the go for the first time and I thought I would share a few thoughts.

The world of psychosis isn’t as interesting as you might imagine. You lose touch with reality and that is all well and good if you take a hit of PCP and have plans of coming down afterwards, but when you have a psychotic break it isn’t a choice and you don’t know if it is going to end. You enter a world with locked doors and sealed windows. At least the lucky ones do. The ones that don’t take their own life or someone else’s life or take another shameful action that they would never do while sane. It is a world of loneliness because you no longer speak the language of your homeland. You speak a language of incomprehensible babble and Px names. The only reason you can confer and converse with other psychotics is because there is a shared understanding of not understanding what the other person is saying.

Try and converse with a ‘normal’ person and they’ll be traumatized at visiting hours or if you are an unlucky one who couldn’t function in society, couldn’t hold a job, had no means for suppor and ended up on the street they walk by you with their head down because everyone should be able to lift themselves up by their bootstraps for Christ’s sake. And I’m guilty of this too. Because I’m highly functional I walk in the normal world most of the time and when I’m in a business suit walking to Metro Center I don’t look down at the people sleeping in boxes by my feet and I don’t look the mumbling conspiracy theorists in the eye. What a horrible way to be normal. But I guess I have to make a choice since you can’t walk in both worlds. In the hospital if you demand the luxuries of the outside world you are labeled resistent and in the outside world if you long for the security of the hospital you’ll likely be back there soon.

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Thanks for reading.