Small Victories and Five-Year Plans

“I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life, as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.” -Booker T. Washington

Do you ever have those moments when you realize that you’ve been giving a piece of advice to a lot of different people when in reality you are hoping beyond hope that you will start to follow yourself? I had a moment like that today. After I got done telling maybe the fourth or fifth person in a period of a couple of days about the importance of setting small goals and redefining success, I realized I was talking to myself.

When I was a junior in high school, I suffered a severe depressive episode…the first one that I had ever had that led to me being diagnosed with anything. I would say my first ever, but looking back I know that I was severely depressed in middle school as well. I digress. Anyway, entering my junior year of high school I was gearing up to be the student body president. I was in mostly advanced placement classes. I had set up an internship with USA Today. I was on the fast track to a good college. I was on the fast track to a good job.  I was SET. Then my world crashed down around me. I stopped seeing the meaning in life. I felt an emptiness that I still can’t fully articulate.

I went from the honor roll to curled up in the fetal position on my couch begging my parents not to make me go to school. I went from living life to the fullest to threatening to end it all. That was the first time I ever articulated my suicidal ideation. It wasn’t a cry for attention, but I was thankful for the attention that I did get. My parents and their friends basically watched over me. They ensured that I did not take any drastic action. My dad’s friend Mike read me inspirational verses from the Bible as I laid there crying, miserable, unable to move. Eventually with the help of caring teachers, adminstration, family, friends and medical professionals I got back on my feet. But my goals went from a 4.0 to making it through class without leaving in tears. I had a free pass to the guidance office…THANK GOD. And my teachers knew just to excuse me, but I went from being a prize student to feeling like I should get a medal just for showing up.

I assumed the severe depressive episode would be the biggest mental health ordeal I would have to endure. That was until my severe psychotic break in college and the recovery from that. I’ve delved deeper into that on other posts, but it’s worth noting that my goals once again shifted from “successful” college student to showing up. I worked myself back to a productive state, but I never set any long-range goals for myself. I cast about without meaning. I foundered. I threw myself into the “here and now” with a reckless abandon that betrayed any sense of long-term vision or plan. There is nothing wrong with passion due the moment, but it was misdirected. I lied to myself. I said that I had written off five-year plans because my psychotic break had shaken me to my core. I thought that planning for the future was pointless. At least that is what I told myself and anyone who asked. Looking back, I was really just terrified to admit that I had lost any sense of a higher purpose. I had no calling. I had no cause greater than myself. I passed up opportunity after opportunity out of fear. I spent two years as national student blog director for Obama for America, scared to work in the field after having dealt with a severe manic episode right after graduation. I did not want to put myself at risk in a new place with no support system. I was scared what the lack of sleep would do to my psyche. I was scared. I let fear keep me from fully engaging in a campaign I believed in.

I’m reminded of all this today because even though I should be on top of the world after helping Active Minds put on a tremendously successful and by all measures incredible “National Mental Health on Campus Conference“, I’m feeling really low. I was so tunnel visioned with work that the past month that as soon as my main goal was accomplished my mood plummeted. Even though I was very much looking forward to a meeting I had today and then being on a panel at University of Maryland, it was all I could do just to be physically present even though I wasn’t completely emotionally or mentally checked in. Tonight as I sit and reflect back on what I’ve been through in the past, I realize that sometimes it is really enough just to show up. And now with the benefit of hindsight, I know moving forward once I reach a stable emotional footing, I should re-evaluate my goals and my aspirations and try to keep fear at bay.